Why am I here

Possibly the most self-indulgent rant I've ever written.



It would seem that fate is conspiring against me today as there is little that is rantworthy in the news. Oh, there's the odd story that provides ripples of amusement I suppose; Dubya is facing the imminent prospect of losing control of the Senate as one of his own politicians is about to defect to the Democrats. This means the probable end of Dubya's Son of Star Wars initiative as well as his proposed lining of his Oil Baron buddies' pockets. He is apparently doing this in protest at the 1.37 trillion dollar tax cuts that have been forced through although I would like to think that he's just awoken to the fact that his country is being ran by a man with all the political savvy of William Hague on magic mushrooms.

Actually, speaking of my esteemed lookalike, I watched his appearance on Question Time last night with some amusement. Fair play to him, he certainly talked a good fight. It's just a pity that his comments about a secret European plan to harmonize our income tax with the rest of the EC have been utterly discredited less than 12 hours after he made them. Not only did the EC point out that this was not the case, but they provided a long list of directives to prove it. Oh, and also quite a few examples of little Billy actually calling for tax harmonization. Surely that must be some sort of record; from hero to hypocrite in half a day. Poor little foetus-man...

Oh, and a couple of blokes are challenging their conviction for providing meat that was unfit for human consumption as well. It would appear that meat that was destined to become cat and dog food ended up being sold to various butchers and marketplaces, and from thence to someone's dinner plate. Apart from the fact that this is incredibly funny and the sort of scam that I would have ached to attempt when I was a student, I really don't see the problem. After all, anyone who has ever eaten a Mcdonalds or a Burger King will have eaten meat of far lower quality than cat food. As long as whoever ended up eating the meat smothered it enough ketchup or mayonnaise then I'm sure that they won't have noticed much...

The only other thing that has even remotely interested me is the tale of woe from the world of cricket. Apparently the sport has been corrupt since the seventies and the game needs to be cleaned up. Well it's about bloody time too! Obviously, before the seventies the game must have been fast paced and exciting. For far too long bookies have obviously conspired to ensure that the games are dragged out for anything up to 5 days! Hopefully we'll be able to get back to the racy and pacy game that must have existed before the corruption set in...

Anyway, this lack of truly newsworthy items has set my train of thought to examine just what it is I actually do with these little rants. Not so much the physical processes that is simply I writing this and then posting it from my hotmail account to my friends. No, it makes me think of just why and how I do this. I'm sure it's no secret that I aspire to be a columnist or social/political commentator one day, but what does that actually entail?

It seems to me that the purpose of a columnist is to cast his or her eye over the day’s events and offer their own comment. And they also....erm....well they....oh. Is that it?!?! Jesus, anyone with half a brain and an opinion could do that! Oh my word I feel so cheated...

So let's get this straight; columnists are glorified critics? But I hate critics! And not even clever enough to criticise anything specific like an art or book critic, oh nononono! They (we, oh lord it's what I want to be so I have to refer to them as we...) just criticise life in general. That must make us the lowest form of critic. And critics are the lowest of the low! We sit by the sidelines, create nothing constructive of our own, and criticise that which others do. Those who can, do. Those who can't, don't. Those who don't even aspire to join the game, criticise. And sometimes write a column about it...

And we can't even call ourselves journalists, a profession that is widely regarded as the natural home for anyone who isn't much good at anything else. At least they go after their stories and sometimes change the world for the better. We sit on our ever expanding arses, pontificate at length as to why the world isn't much good, offer no suggestions as to how to make it better, and then go for lunch! (Actually, that sounds like rather a good job does it not?) So even journalists are better than we are! It would seem that I'm trying to aspire to the one job that I could find that ranks lower on the moral gauge than bloody lawyers...

So with this in mind, are there actually any benefits to society that are provided by columnists? Well, I would like to think that we entertain and...oh no hang on. I've read Richard Littlejohn's column many a time and although it has succeeded admirably in boiling my piss it has been less successful in the entertainment aspect. Hmm, so I can rule that out then. Okay, well what else could there be? I should point out that half an hour has passed since I typed that last question mark, so I really am trying hard to think of something....

Aha! I have it; we make people think. For example, rant 16 was not, in my opinion, one of my better rants. I would however point to the reaction that it got (showcasing Mr Boardman's paranoia to the whole world not least among this; Stan I am most impressed by the slightly scary fact that you know about all of this shit...). And I like to think that even if one reads my meandering thoughts or any other column then it provokes a reaction and forces one to think about it. So I suppose that's a fairly laudable aim. Isn't it?