The Worst Job In Britain

As with all my predictions about Tory leadership contests, I got this utterly wrong. I always get it wrong when it comes to the tories. Maybe I should actually be relieved about that.



As it's a fairly slow news day (unless one counts Dubya's mangling of the Spanish language as well as the English; is it really too much to ask for the President of the USA to get the Spanish Premier's name right?) and as I really don't want to talk about World affairs (apparently some Philippine terrorists have beheaded an American hostage) because it's too depressing, I think I'll limit myself to mocking the Tory leadership contest.

As I trust you noticed, the Tories took something of a beating in the election. So much so that little Billy felt it necessary to stand down as leader to make way for someone who could lead the party back to the halcyon days that they enjoyed in the 80's. Alas poor Billy, we barely knew ye. Let us take a moment to reflect on the political passing of the man and his career as leader of Her Majesty's Opposition...right, that's long enough. Frankly, I'm glad to see the back of a man whose only positive contribution to the last 4 years was to make the Tories completely unelectable, and who tried to convince the country that we needed to stop all this forward thinking nonsense and mire ourselves firmly in the past. My only regret is that it is not mandatory to execute failed party leaders who encourage autocratic thinking in the PM.

So anyway, the Tory party is once more a rudderless and decaying hulk, seemingly doomed to be torn apart on the rocks of political ineptitude and public distrust. Who can captain their ship into the calmer waters of government (or at least as a realistic opposition)? The short answer is of course, no one. Not whilst the Labour party have control of the centre left and centre right amongst the electorate. But let us ignore that trifling fact for a while, and pretend that a new leader will actually make the slightest difference.

So who are the candidates for this thankless and dare I say worthless job? Well, there only seem to be 3 contenders who will evoke any sort of recognition from the public. These are (in reverse order of odiousness) Kenneth Clarke, Michael Portillo, and Anne Widdecombe. Some other names are being bandied about such as Francis Maude and Peter Lilley, but as no one would recognise those two if they assaulted them on the street, I think they can safely be discounted.

So what of these 3, these brave 3 who are (or may be) volunteering for the worst job in the country? Firstly we have Mr. Kenneth Clarke, the unhealthiest health secretary that ever made it to government (it was sort of difficult to take him seriously when he encouraged us to improve our general state of health as he puffed on a cigar whilst swigging brandy by the snifter). He's been pretty much anonymous for the last 4 years due to his unwavering support for the EU. This sets him at odds with a large portion of his party, who view Europe with the same sort of horror that you or I would reserve for finding a fly in one's drink. However, he has now reared his head once more and is hoping to unite the party under a pro-euro banner and march them proudly into the next election with a realistic chance of getting into power. He has as much chance of this as Hermann Goering did of becoming an Orthodox Jew.

I somehow can't see the Tories undergoing a transformation from bigoted xenophobes to open armed europhiles in the space of a few years, so I suspect that Mr. Clarke can be pretty much ruled out of the contest. And as a side issue, I would like to put a bet that he will be the first MP to suffer a heart attack in the new parliament. The man has a complexion that is a lovely mix of pallid grey and broken veined red. His jowls sag and his skin is unhealthy and bloated. The man really needs to improve his lifestyle before he becomes fertiliser. But I digress...

Next we have Michael Portillo, a man whom I have already described as the finest homosexual of Spanish origin that the Tories have ever had. I would have to install this man as the odds on favourite assuming that he decides to take the job in the first place. There have been whispers that he would prefer someone else to take on the task of rebuilding, let them lose the next election but not so heavily and then take over when the Conservatives actually have a chance of challenging the government. A little underhanded perhaps, but then he is a politician. However, if we assume that he does go for it, what will he have to offer apart from the thickest lips and nicest hair in parliament?

Certainly, he is the only candidate who has even the remotest chance of uniting the divided party. He is eurosceptic, thus appealing to the right wing, but he is also in favour of being inclusive. In other words, he values treating people who are not WASP (White Anglo Saxon Protestant) as normal human beings rather than as a bunch of leftie, politically correct, black lesbian single mothers. This should appeal to the left wing of the party (the ones whose voices were drowned out by the hurricane of bile and hatred that the rest of the party was spouting during the election campaign). So theoretically, the man has a good chance. And anyone who annoys Norman Tebbit (who is clearly identifying himself as a rather unpleasant little homophobe...so nice that the right wing are saving the likes of me the trouble of pointing out how intolerant they are) is alright by me. I would even go so far to say that he could even make the Tories electable again...well, okay perhaps he'll manage to make them appear human again. Even that would be an achievement.

Finally we have dear old Doris Karloff herself, Anne "3 men a day" Widdecombe. You'll have to excuse me as I find myself crying tears of laughter at the mere thought of this woman (and I only tentatively identify her as such; woman is easier to write than "some form of biped") being thought of as a realistic leader of the party and perhaps of the country. This is a woman whose ranting puts me to shame. A woman who managed to utterly humiliate herself at the last Tory conference with her ignorant bleating about drugs and who went further still by implying that drugs are only a problem if you live in a council estate and didn't go to university.

I was getting ready to unleash all manner of reasons as to why this woman is the second cousin of the antichrist, and why the fact that she appeals to the blue rinse brigade and various stuffy old colonels is reason enough not to vote for her. But it occurs to me that there is no need; anyone with 2 eyes, 2 ears, and a sense of what is and what is not normal can see and hear for himself or herself that she is unelectable. The left would never accept her, although if the Tories do choose her as their leader, then they can look forward to being politically shipwrecked for many more years to come.

One of the main themes of this little rant has been the 2 distinct halves of the party and whether they can be united. In truth, I don't see this as being possible as they are ideologically opposed to each other and have little chance of reconciliation. The best thing that can happen is for them to split accordingly, and then hopefully the far right will wither and die whilst the left gets absorbed by the LibDems. Think of a world without a Tory party...what a wonderful world that would be.