Evictions and Elections

Written at a time when both Big Brother and the idea of the Tories winning were novelties.




Have you had much of a chance to watch TV recently? If so you will doubtless be aware that by the end of this week, a voting process will have taken place. The choice is a one that is currently dividing the nation and has seen heated debate throughout the media. Both of the main candidates have their supporters and detractors, although the more sensible observers are already discussing the merits of tactical voting, and what the future could possibly hold once all the votes are counted. Yes, the first nominees for eviction from Big Brother have been announced.

Looking back on that paragraph, it's quite obvious that I was trying to be a bit clever and ambiguous in order to make you think I was talking about the General Election. However, it occurs to me that when one bears in mind the projected percentages of people who will vote a lot of people would probably have assumed that I was talking about either Big Brother or Survivor anyway. I may even have reminded you about the election itself, so low has its profile been in comparison. What a waste of a perfectly adequate journalistic device. Bugger...

Although, perhaps not such a waste after all. It certainly puts our priorities as a nation into perspective. According to some poll or other, more people aged 18-25 will vote for the Big Brother eviction than will vote in the General Election. To put it another way, we care more about a gameshow than we care for who runs our country. Now I like Big Brother and watch it frequently, but as it does not and is not likely to directly affect my quality of life in the future, it comes a fairly distant second to Thursday’s election for me. I also appreciate just what a boring little git that makes me sound like, but please let me explain...

At the risk of repeating myself from earlier rants, it is very important that we get up of our collective backsides and go to the polling stations on Thursday. Even if you're going to vote Tory, you should go to the Polls. Christ, turn up and write "Wibble" and draw pictures of flowers on the ballot paper if you like (were it not for the LibDems I'm damn sure that's what I would do...) just please turn up!
If it seems a little strange that I should be so vehement about this (as I'm not noted for getting my proverbials in a twist about many things), then perhaps I should throw a few figures at you. I'm aware that it is said that you can prove anything with statistics, but you can prove anything with facts as well, and that is what the following are.

It is estimated that 40% of the voting population will not cast a vote at this election. Of course, that does mean that the majority of people will, and in that sense we're doing better than American democracy can manage at the moment. But 40% is a hell of large minority. To put it into perspective, Hague needs a swing of about 9% in his favour to win. That's not very much at all! And that also makes it eminently possible that we could wake up on Friday morning to see a shorter and almost 67% gittier looking PM grinning back at us from outside 10 Downing Street. I'd call that a much scarier prospect than any challenge Big Brother can throw at someone...

Now, I'd imagine that the 40% don't vote because they either can't be bothered or because they think it won't make a difference. To address the latter point first, it most certainly does make a difference. Perhaps not if one limits oneself to thinking in terms of Conservative versus Labour, but if those 40% were to vote LibDem, we'd have a LibDem government. Aside from the fact that this would be rather funny because they would panic if they did get into power (I can picture Charles Kennedy being awoken by a phone call in the early hours of Friday morning..."Hello...yes.... we’ve WHAT?! Are you sure? You do know that this is LibDem HQ don't you?") this would be a good thing for democracy in general. Even if more people voted for any of the other parties, it would perhaps cause the big two to think a bit more carefully about how they form their policies during the next parliament as it would be clear that they run the risk of either having to share power with a third party (The Labour-LibDem axis facing the Conservative-Monster Raving Loony Alliance) or losing any chance of power altogether.

As to the former point, short of using electrified cattle prods to shift people from their sofa's that are perfectly molded to their backsides and forcing them to take 5 minutes of their attention away from the one eyed beast that is their God, I see little that can be done. Unless...

Why not simply combine reality TV with the election? At the beginning of the election campaign we put all of the leaders of the major parties in the Big Brother house to be observed 24 hours a day. We can have Tony, Billy, and Charlie in there, and we don't have to stop with Big Brother. If we stick a couple of scantily clad lingerie models in with them we can incorporate Temptation Island. Don't give them any food except rat meat, rice, and whatever insects and grubs they can catch and hey presto, we have Survivor in there as well! Not only will the percentage of votes increase (Because votes will also be able to be cast by phone, thus catering for anyone who doesn't want to leave their house for anything other than work or the pub) but also we'll have the best and most entertaining election campaign in History! Surely that has to be worth voting for.