Dumb and Dumber

A rant that was the product of a bad day at work.



Okay, maybe this is just me and maybe I'm just being a touch elitist here. If so, I will welcome any corrections and complaints and apologise for any offence whatsoever that is caused. But please consider this honestly and sincerely; Are the general public getting stupider or what? I've heard all sorts of complaints from the great and good about the "dumbing down" of English culture and have dismissed them out of hand. However, having worked in a job where I have contact with the great British public every single day for a little under 2 years, I am rapidly rethinking that opinion.

As you may know, I work on a helpline for a software company. Essentially, people have a problem with their software or with their accounts, they ring us, we work out what the problem is, we work out how to solve it, then we relay this information to the customer. This sounds incredibly straightforward does it not? And in an ideal world it would be. This, as I have come to regretfully accept, is not an ideal world. If it were, people would be able to explain clearly and correctly the exact circumstances leading up to the problem occurring. They would not, repeat *not* ring up and simply say, "My computer's not working." "What is the exact problem please sir?" "Well...it's broken and you need to fix it."

Oh well, obviously if it's broken then I know exactly what you need to do. You need to stop wasting my precious time, energy, and breath with your complete ignorance of what the hell is going on with your machine! Do they think that I'm somehow magically going to be able to figure out the problem from that? Or are they so touchingly naive as to think that there can only be one type of problem with a computer (if only...)? So hence, it can be quite alarmingly difficult to actually get the information out of a person in the first place, and it is positively torturous when that person is completely incapable of answering simple questions ("So whereabouts in the program were you when the problem occurred?" "I was in the program." "Okay, we've established that, now which screen were you on please?" "I told you, I was in the program! Are you thick or something?") I don't know if anyone has done a study of blood pressure levels of helpline staff compared to the rest of the country but I have a strong suspicion that the results would be rather telling...

Anyway, the actual solving of the problem tends to be by far and away the easiest part of the job because one only has to rely on ones own ability. The next (and usually most stress inducing) problem is actually explaining the solution to the logheaded, bogbrained, hogfaced bastard at the other end of the phone. On most occasions, I have to guide a customer through different stages and different screens on their computer. Now I will make clear that I do not begrudge anybody who is not au fait with computer terminology. After all, if they were a computer expert then they would not need to ring a helpline, so a certain level of ineptitude and the need for guidance is both understandable and forgivable. However, I do resent it when people are utterly incapable of following simple instructions or, in the most desperate of cases, reading what is written on a screen. If I were to ring for help, I would do exactly what I was told by the disembodied voice on the other end of the phone. Can anyone explain to me why I might want to question, cast doubt, and criticise every instruction I am given? Or why, upon being told quite clearly to click onto button A, I repeatedly click onto button B and still insist that I am doing what I am told?!?!

But still more terrifying than any of the above is the helpline's worst nightmare; the customer so stupid that they don't realise how stupid they are, moreover they assume that because they don't understand what they are being told, that the person giving them the information must be incredibly thick! To that end, these moronic living brain donors get angry and lambaste me because the office brain cell is currently residing in the Yucca plant in the corner and they are incapable of comprehending, for example, how they cannot perform a certain task in the computer because it is physically impossible. I realise that I am a poster boy for arrogance, but even I bow down to someone who is so immensely arrogant as to always assume that if I don't understand something, then the person relaying that information must be stupider than I.
All of the above is merely my experience in my work setting. But I think that the problem occurs because more and more of us are being cosseted (intellectually speaking) and allowed to put less and less thought into our daily lives. Simple little things like a TV program constantly showing the name of an interviewee at the bottom of the screen in case we have forgotten who they were in the last 8 seconds, or warnings on a packet of peanuts saying that the product may contain nuts are proof of this to an extent. When one gets into that way of thinking, it is a small step to expect all of our problems or difficulties to be placed into someone else's hands, and that is what a large number of people whom I speak to every day are like. They make no effort to think for themselves but simply hand over control of their brain to me for the duration of the phone call. I'm not asking for an intellectual revolution (there is nothing so irritating as an intelligent person who knows just how intelligent they are and insist on proving it at every possible opportunity), I'm just asking that people stop and think every now and then before expecting a problem to be solved by somebody else. I don't think I'm asking much by that. Am I?