One Night Stand

I missed out the obvious criticism of One Night Stands; the sex tends to be shit.




Can anybody really be bothered to read about or talk about yesterday's events in NYC or Kabul? I find myself weary at the prospect to be honest. Reaction to the NYC crash; it's been done before. Plane crashes are just soooooooo last month sweetie, and this one didn't add anything to the horror of Sept 11th (remember my rant way back about compassion fatigue due to excessive TV coverage? I think I'm falling victim to it and I'll bet I'm not the only one). And the "war" in Afghanistan seems to be being fought in the good old colonial fashion ("I say old boy, did you see that? Them there friendly sand niggers just got blasted to pieces by those bad-guy towel heads" "Good lord! So they did. Jenkins, make a note; bomb that bit of rock there until it's a smouldering hole in the ground. Oh, and Jenkins? Could you send a few more messages of support to our sand niggers please? They're doing *such* a good job of finding the enemy positions for us...").

So no, much as I'm sure you don't have any desire to read about current affairs, I have little real desire to write about them. No, I think it's perhaps time for another in the ongoing series of "an exceedingly bitter young man tries to talk in a reasoned an objective manner about love and relationships."

One night stands. They're a hoot aren't they? Every Saturday and Sunday morning millions of people across the world will wake up with somebody whom they'd never slept with before and never will again. Opinion on whether this is a good or bad thing seems to be fairly evenly divided, though I don't think that I'm entirely wide of the mark when I say that the majority of men publicly state that they are great whilst the majority of women put it on record that they think one night stands are a bad thing. Are both sides being entirely truthful when they say this? The fact that one night stands (ONS as I'm going to refer to them from now as I'm, in essence, a lazy git) continue to occur would seem to either make a lie of the accepted female wisdom or provide a testament to the to the ingeniousness of the male half of the species in their never-ending quest to get laid. So which is it?

Once again, I'll declare my vested interests from the start. I'm pretty much an amateur when it comes to one night stands (despite all of my best efforts...) and so much of what I'm going to write is taken from the experiences of my friends, so the names will be changed to protect the innocent. However I will put it on record that I, like the large majority of men in the world, think that one night stands are generally a good thing. In my own experience I've had fun, I can kid myself that the good lady in question did too, and I generally find that I have remained on good terms with them afterwards (working I suppose on the theory that if you've seen each other naked then you need not have any further inhibitions when talking to one another...).

So then, what's the deal with ONS? They must make up something like 60% of worldwide sexual encounters every weekend (of the remainder, 38% is fulfilled by couples just starting out on a relationship, 1.8% by married couples or those in long term relationships, and .2% by lonely farmers with a nervous looking ewe) but they generally don't get a good press at all. The image that tends to be put forward is of leering lads discussing the previous night's merriment in the most graphic terms whilst a thoroughly shamed woman has to come to terms with cheapening herself for a moment of pleasure. This is, of course, total bollocks. It is an image that probably owes it's origin to the Victorian/Christian attitude to sex; that it's dirty (sex can of course be dirty. But only if you do it right.). As I'm sure many women would agree, it is just as likely that we will find the ladies being raucous and lewd whilst being encouraged by their friends in their dissection of a particular ONS. Woe betide the man who receives unfavourable press from such a lady for he will find himself a figure of fun in their social group for the months and years to come. So it's not as if the whole affair is arranged in favour of the man. Women get something out of it too. Yet what could that be?

Well I think I may have an answer to that one. It's an answer that will no doubt cause consternation and uproar among the patriarchal mindset of the prudish, the morally upstanding, and the hypocritical. It is simply this; women enjoy sex just as much as men. Now that I've made that revelation, and now that the whole world hasn't in fact come to an end, and seeing as how the whole moral fibre of society hasn't crumbled shall we continue?

In the minds of rational people, sex is no longer about just procreation. In the minds of modern people, sex isn't necessarily about love. In the minds of most people of my age, sex is about fun. Enjoying oneself. Having a bloody good time in the company of one or more willing people and returning the favour. People who were my age during the 50's tend to labour under the illusion that sex used to be altogether more sacred and was about love and companionship. What utter toss! People still had casual sex but the only difference was that they were labelled with imaginative names (the words "Slag", "Slut" and all associated terms enjoyed a veritable renaissance during the 50's. Love and compassion indeed...) and they had to be discreet about it. Nowadays we no longer feel the need to put single mothers in asylums or hound teenagers out of the neighbourhood for having sex before marriage. I am saying that that is an advance.

One thing that I would say against ONS is the method by which they normally happen. As I've already alluded to, most ONS take place on Friday and/or Saturday night. It doesn't take a genius to work out why. Getting stunningly drunk is an excellent way of ensuring that you'll wake up next to someone who will be as pleased or horrified as yourself to find themselves there. We do this because we are packed to the brim with inhibitions and hang-ups, and alcohol temporarily banishes them. You'd think I'd be all in favour of anything that causes more sex in the world, but I'm not entirely pleased that we need alcohol to achieve this. It seems to me that one of the main reasons we have such inhibitions is the legacy of the times when religious groups held sway over our lives. As in Orwell's 1984, they sought to control every aspect of our lives. In 1984 this was done by the creation of the "Anti Sex League" which encouraged artificial insemination as a means of procreation. Religion, not having access to such technology, went for the tried and tested route of Guilt. We were made to feel guilty about our urges and told that they should be limited to marriage (thus ignoring the fact that marriage is one of the finest contraceptives ever invented...). It's only in the last 10 or 20 years that this assertion has been properly challenged, and we are by no means completely free of it's influence, which is why many ONS take place whilst under the influence of no less than about 4 pints of lager. The other reason I don't like the idea of getting drunk to facilitate getting laid is that I'm a man. Do I really have to spell out what can happen (or, more accurately, can't happen) to a man when he's drunk? No? Good.

I suspect that one of the main reasons that ONS get such a bad press is because when the alcohol wears off, inhibitions return. I'm sure that you recall the simple joy of feeling incredibly awkward whilst lying in bed next to a stranger/work colleague/friend. We tend to deal with this in a simple way; by not having any contact whatsoever with that other person for weeks afterwards. This naturally leads to bad feeling and resentment, so if one were to want to stay on good terms with their erstwhile bedroom partner then one would have to swallow one's pride and apologise for one's behaviour. As pride is harder to swallow than spunk (erm...so I've been told) this is not very likely to happen in the majority of cases. As it is generally women who take snubs and perceived insults to heart a lot more than men, is this why so many women proclaim their distaste for ONS? As men are thicker skinned about such things, could it be that we only ever remember the ONS itself and mentally censor any recriminations that follow? It's as good an explanation as any.