Onward Christian Soldiers

In common with almost every sentient being outside of America, I despise the Evangelical right. This was my attempt at a reasoned argument against the set of wankers.



Okay; it's now nearly April 2005. The US Presidential elections were held back in November 2004. I think I've just about calmed down enough to talk about what that unbelievably christawful result might now mean for the rest of us. Why did I need so long to cool my enflamed hate gland? Well, because the aspect of Dubya's election victory that I'm going to talk about is the increasing power of the Christian Right.

The first thing that needs to be said about the Christian Right (apart from the fact that they're a bunch of joyless f**ksocks with all the personal charm of a Nazi on a sightseeing tour of Israel...hey, I may have calmed down, but that doesn't mean I'm not still furious...) is that their name is...well, a lie. They're not very Christian, and they're never right.

So why do I so utterly despise these Evangelically minded morons, and am I insisting that they're about as far removed from the spirit of Christianity as it's possible to be without donning a horn and hoof ensemble, painting themselves red, and singing hymns to Mephistopheles? Probably because their actions since the election give them away for the totalitarian, freedom-hating, backward bigots that they are.

One of the biggest giveaways to this mindset is their approach to abortion. A woman's right to an abortion in the US is enshrined in the case of Roe vs. Wade, which was decided by the Supreme Court back in 1973. Ever since then (and particularly under the Republican regimes of the 80's), the Supreme Court has been packed with increasingly conservative judges, and Pro-Life lobbyists (almost without exception members of the Christian Right) have been pushing for the case to be reviewed and overhauled (and, if they had their way, burnt). However, as the recent Right To Die case of Terri Schiavo has shown, the US Judiciary has done a decent job of maintaining its independence from populist, rabble-rousing "moral issues". And so, Roe vs. Wade remains law.

And the reaction of the Christian Right? It's been very balanced. All they've done is encourage the murder of abortion doctors. And demonise any and every member of government and judiciary who isn't messianically opposed to abortion as a baby-killer. And demand that the church-dwelling chimp in the White House outlaws abortion altogether. And pretty much gone out of their way to dismiss any debate over this highly contentious issue, and demand that their view be accepted as the unvarnished truth and implemented without delay.

Is it just me, or is their attitude that of a spoilt brat who has thrown an epic huff at not being allowed to play with their favourite toy? I don't recall Jesus saying "Deliver unto Caesar that which belongs to Caesar. Unless you don't want to; in which case, stand like a placard-waving, glassy-eyed automaton chanting ill-conceived slogans and threats at anyone who doesn't go to the same church as you". Yet the Christian Right seem to have taken His message of humility, love, tolerance, and brotherhood, and turned it into "Love thy neighbour. Unless he's funny lookin'. And doesn't think exactly like you do." It's sweet that they assume that, if they say abortions shouldn't happen, then they won't. But when one bears in mind the number of backstreet abortionists who flourished back in the days when it was illegal (which also caused 15% of maternal deaths back in those happy-go-lucky days of prim insanity), I'm rather inclined to think that their prurient wishful thinking will lead to misery and pain for countless women.

It's not as if Evangelical churches don't have a good track record in using their influence to do make changes that benefit everyone; during the time of the British Empire, the Victorian Evangelical Churches campaigned fearlessly against slavery. They can take pretty much all of the credit for the abolition of this hideous practice which in turn enabled civilisation to genuinely lay claim to being civilised. What have the Christian Right spent their time campaigning against? The right of a woman to choose what to do with her body. Oh, and Spongebob Squarepants.

I'm serious; this mighty, monolithic collection of Holy Warriors has spent months campaigning against Spongebob Squarepants because "he's clearly gay". Apparently, because he holds the hand of his best friend in the cartoon, he encourages homosexuality amongst children. It takes a very special kind of mind to see homosexual propaganda in a kids show. In fact, it sounds like the sort of thing a stoned student would say at 3am (having once claimed that Mr. Benn was an allegory of the battle between Good and Evil, I know what I'm talking about...).

If anything shows that the Christian Right are an organisation interested in controlling the thoughts, words, and deeds of everyone, a mean-minded crusade against a cartoon character (a f**king CARTOON CHARACTER for f**ks sake...mind you, they tried to claim that one of the teletubbies was less than manly cos he carried a handbag, so...) should do it. I shudder to think how they'd react to the prospect of primary schoolkids holding hands when they go on a school trip.

What really concerns me is that, since the US Election was decided on "Moral issues", and since the President is a member of the Christian Right himself, the assumption is that it should be the Christian Right who set the moral agenda on all issues from now. After the downfall of televangelists such as Swaggart and Bakker in the 90's, it doesn't seem too much of a stretch of the imagination to realise that the US is trying to appoint a gang of hypocrites, liars, and thieves as their moral guardians.

What is even more worrying is that the arrogance of the Evangelists seems to be spreading here. 2 weeks ago, most people on the street couldn't have given the faintest hint of a damn about the 24-week limit on abortion. Thanks to the grinning charlatan living at Number 10 and his slithering insistence that he's a good Christian, we have church leaders trying to make it an election issue. Nothing too troubling in that, because everyone has the right to raise their concerns. But I'm never in favour of allowing Religious groups trying to set political agendas; as we can see in Iran, Afghanistan, America, and most recently in Iraq, it leads to a minority forcing their will on the majority. More than that, it leads to intolerance, and persecution of anyone who can't or won't conform with their will.

So then; the Christian Right of America, who constantly bray about how the freedoms of America are the best in the world, are trying to dictate how the law should develop. They're trying to say what is acceptable in culture. They're trying to subvert democratic process. They're trying to tell us all what we're allowed to do, what we're allowed to see, and how we're allowed to think. They're causing honest-to-God Christians to be viewed as equally intolerant and hateful as the Evangelicals. And they're doing all of this in the name of God.

The only other organisation I can think of that did this was the Taliban. And they were ostensibly ousted by the US Military for being an undemocratic organisation who sheltered terrorists. By my reckoning, the sh!theels who shoot doctors and bomb abortion clinics at the behest of the undemocratic Christian Right are terrorists. Might I suggest that, if Dubya is serious about spreading democracy, he declares his next war on them?