Women, eh?

This is what happens when a gobshite fails to get laid.




Women: You're all a bunch of fucking arseholes.

Okay, I realise that perhaps that seems a trifle harsh. Misogynistic even. D'you know something? I am now completely past giving even the remotest semblance of a shit whether it is or not. I've been in the vilest mood for the last couple of months and last week I had a sudden moment of clarity as to exactly why this should be. After all, I'm in the (admittedly slow) process of getting together with the woman whom I love, my money problems of the last year are rapidly diminishing, and Newcastle are playing European football next year. What cloud could possibly darken the horizon for me? Let me give you a clue; any man who has ever heard the words "You're like a brother to me" or "You're my best friend" off an achingly gorgeous woman will almost certainly be horribly familiar with the tirade that is about to unfold.

I was, and continue to be, single from November 2000. For any young man, this is not a satisfactory state of affairs. And so, remembering the advice given to me by my lady friends, I set about doing my best to attract and woo myself back into a relationship.
Okay, I've read that back and even I can see that it's bollocks. What actually happened was that I asked my friends how I could guarantee myself a shag. Not particularly chivalrous I admit but hey, I'd been in a relationship for 9 years; cut me a little bit of slack here.

Anyway the advice of the ladies was to be a gentleman (or at least appear as if you are one), be friendly (well duh...), don't be afraid to use flattery, and generally portray oneself as a decent bloke. However, it has become increasingly apparent over the last year and a bit that they were either;
A - Lying
B - Having a laugh at my expense
C- Kidding themselves, or
D- They have no idea what women want.

And what women want, what they really really want, is a complete and total bastard of a man who will treat them with supreme indifference and, if they're really lucky, utter contempt. Well shit....

Now then; seeing as I've already discussed this with some of my lady friends, and seeing as the reaction has uniformly been "No we don't, women want a nice man who'll make them feel special", I feel that at this point I should offer an example of the truth of this statement by way of an explanation as to why I've come to this conclusion. And it's quite a simple one really. You see, I split from my girlfriend at about the same time as a former friend of mine split from his wife. I have, almost without exception, tried to behave like a gent in that time. I realise that, for those of you who know me and are aware of just how stultifying unpleasant and sarcastic I can be, this may seem difficult to swallow (though not nearly as difficult as it is to persuade a young lady to do so...). Believe me, it wasn't easy for me to keep hidden the bile and rancour that comes so naturally to me! And, being human, I have once drifted over to the realm of bastard-dom myself. But by and large, I've done my best to be a decent human being.

In the meantime, my erstwhile former friend behaved like a complete shit; sleeping with his best friends girlfriend, copping off with his step-sister in a nightclub mere months before her wedding (to another friend of his), getting one of his housemates drunk so that he could get her into bed, doing his best to make sure that the blame for any and all of this landed anywhere but on his own head...you know, all the kind of stuff that a woman would say that she can't stand.

And yet, whereas I have found my testicles swelling to the size of a small cottage in Suffolk due an extraordinary lack of amorous activity, that bastard has had to order himself a bigger and shittier stick with which to beat off the colossal number of women who cannot wait to get their oestrogen swollen hands on him! I'VE BEEN LAID 3 TIMES IN 9 MONTHS!! IT'S NOT FUCKING RIGHT!!!

And it gets better; whenever I complain about this (and oh, how I complain...) I am told that I should be grateful! Why should I be grateful? Well, I have acquired a much better and trusting relationship with whichever particular woman I spent my time getting to know, being friendly toward, treating her with respect, etc, whereas every woman he has slept with can't stand the sight of him. Well, that's a massive consolation! I'm sure that the knowledge of how many good looking, sexually active, female friends I have with get me through the night WHEN I'M ON MY BASTARD OWN AGAIN! THAT FUCKING PRICK IS BALLS DEEP WHENEVER HE FUCKING WANTS! D'YOU THINK HE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HAVING FRIENDS AT THE END OF IT?!

(Incidentally, I suppose that in the interests of candour, I should come clean and admit that he is a better-looking man than I am. Even so, I like to think I'm not a hideously disfigured Elephant man lookalike. Feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken in this belief...)

Yet the ladies still keep saying "No, we don't want a bastard. We want a nice man who...". And it's at that point that I usually lean in towards them and look them in the eye. I look them in the eye so that they know that what I'm about to say is important. And then, in a loud and clear voice, I say "Bollocks". Every single woman who has started this particular line has now met with that particular response. And with one exception, they have a track record with men that would put Eva Braun to shame. They have almost all, with very few exceptions, spent large portions of their time with bastards who treated them like badger poo. Those who have not are lying, gay, or are just too ashamed to admit that they have done. If ANYONE can respond to me and prove me wrong, then I will gladly offer a personal apology to them for implying that they have, at some point in their lives, gone out with a man whom they know in the depths of their soul to be a bad bastard who would bring them nothing but grief.

Still, I suppose that some women don't hanker after a bastard. These are the women whom the bastards consider too ugly to have anything to do with. After all, why should he when he can have his pick of gorgeous women, ALL OF WHOM COME CRYING TO THE LIKES OF ARSEHOLES LIKE ME WHEN IT ALL GOES TO SHIT!! I am SICK to death of this! I've lost count of how many teary and humiliated women I've sat with, reassuring them that no, they're not a vile freak of nature and yes, he obviously doesn't know what he's missing out on. Oh...and you're feeling better now? So...oh, there you go with another piece of shit who manages to both lower your self esteem AND convince you of how much you need him. Can you really blame me for being so pissed off about this?!

Honest to Christ, I'm really starting to think I should just cut the fucking thing off, or turn celibate, or try and convince myself I fancy other men; anything at all rather than go through the torturous routine of yet another woman bleating that "You wouldn't want to go out with me; my life is such a mess". Hm, yes, I'm sure that I'd want nothing to do with your exceptionally tight, pert little mess. Why that would just break my fucking heart...

If it's not that, it's a friend saying "Well, women tend to like a bit of a bastard when they're younger. They grow out of it though..." WHEN?! I'M TWENTY FUCKING SIX; HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT GODDAMMIT!?!! And now that I come to think about it, I'm not even sure I like that as an explanation; are they trying to say that they want excitement? Fuck me, I spend most days PRAYING for a less eventful life! I have an over-abundance of excitement in my life (except at work of course; how else would I have the time to write these angry little missives?), I dream of a truly dull week, so it can't be that I'm boring (I hope).

Anyway, the point of all of this...well, the point is for me to get this out of my system really, but I do have a point I want to make as well. More of a plea really (although, surprisingly, not for a shag; my former friend was often reduced to pleading and I have such contempt for him that I refuse to drop to his level); ladies, if you're going to be friends with a man then do him one massive favour from the outset; make it very VERY clear that you have no desire whatsoever to sleep with him. Honestly, it'll save a lot of time and heartache, and it will also mean that those men who remain your friends are REALLY your friends, and are not just hanging around in the desperate hope that one day you'll suddenly want to fuck them. That way, people like me with find it less intolerable seeing you walking out of the door, arm in arm with yet another complete fucking wanker.