An etiquette guide

For some time now, I have been pressed by a number of my correspondents to put the definitive guide to slinging shit around the dinner table. It was only after the dinner party hosted by Lord Dangleberry last April that I saw the need for such a document. The party ended somewhat shambolically after Miss Rowena Trackmark indulged in rectal digging before the soup course had been finished, and Sir Timothy Lilyjuice continued hurling his (somewhat sloppy) faeces at guests long after the meal was over.

So then, I am faced with the task of trawling through the various regional variations of shit throwing to put together a unified British etiquette to this much loved and ancient practice. I am indebted to my two young researchers, a Miss Louise Ankelspunk and a Miss Hilary Zeitguest for their efforts in tracking down and collating the various references to shit throwing that are left with us from antiquity.

Before I go further, I should point out that I have decided not to make reference to any of the continental variations of shit throwing. Whilst I have the greatest of respect for the customs of our foreign cousins, I can see no value in their inclusion. It would be impossible, for example, to reconcile the Italian tradition of an after dessert free for all with the more staid (and dare I say it, more proper) Russian stance, whereby only the four most senior guests along with the host are permitted to throw shit, and then only after the final course.

So then, onwards we must go. Firstly, I shall address the point of who may sling their shit. The correct approach is to wait for the host to throw a log before indulging. However, should the host not have flung a turd by the end of dessert, it is acceptable for the gentleman to the right of the host to throw a shit at whoever is sitting to the left of the host.
As to the remainder of the guests, one must of course deal with the thorny subject of female throwing. A number of counties do not allow the fairer sex to enjoy throwing shit, whilst others set a part of the meal aside specifically for the women guests. In order to try and achieve some sort of compromise between all viewpoints, I would suggest that women be allowed to start throwing shit only after their escort flings one of his own. Unescorted ladies (should one be the sort of chap to invite such ladies to a party) must wait until all other ladies and gentlemen present have let loose.

So then, the order of play is to be host, followed by gentlemen, followed by their good ladies, and finally unescorted “ladies”. I must stress that children should not be permitted under any circumstances to join in the flinging. I find that the children (especially the younger boys) produce quite the most horrific stench from their shit and this simply will not do.

We must next address the problem of when in the proceedings the first mud can be thrown. If one divides a party into the arrival and imbibing of a light drink, the soup course, the starter, a refilling of ones drink, the first main course, another refill, the second main course, dessert, coffees, and finally brandy and cigars, then we can have an agreed structure in which to work with. Should ones party not follow such a course, then I hope that this guide is flexible enough for one to make the necessary adjustments.

I would say that it is not proper to throw shit at all until at least the end of the soup course. I realise that in saying this I will cause consternation the length and breadth of Cornwall, but picking shit out of ones soup really is a most unpleasant experience. So the first flinging should most properly be done after the soup. Should the host be serving a fruit starter, then the initial throwing should wait until after the course has been finished by all (not, as is the practice in Norfolk, once the host has finished) and before the plates are cleared away. If a non-fruit starter is chosen, shit may be thrown at any time after grace is said. At this early stage however, the throwing should be restrained to a single log per guest, and the throw should be light and playful rather than with ones full force.

I must interject once more at this point in order to clarify the procedure when drinks are being refilled. One must not under any circumstances throw shit at this point. It really is very bad form to do so as it may unnecessarily cover the butler in waste. As it is universally agreed that this is the one person who should remain untouched by shit, one can see why one must not indulge during refills.

We now move on to the main courses. By this time, I would expect a dinner party to be in full swing and ones guests should have relaxed completely. One should be on ones guard at letting matters degenerate at this point! I recently attended a party in Lanarkshire where the first shit was flung before I had taken a mouthful of my (quite delicious) Venison Foristier, with guests throwing their faeces at each other continually until the second course was cleared away. Whilst I make no direct criticism of this (everyone involved had a marvellous time) such wild abandon is not to everyone’s tastes.

I would therefore propose the following; Flinging should recommence after the host has finished his first course and is satisfied that everyone present is aware of this fact. At this point the main body of shit throwing should commence, but must only last until the last guest has finished eating! At this point everyone should be seated until the second course is served whereupon the shit throwing should resume. Upon finishing the second course, guests should once again be seated until the end of dessert.

I must be very firm about the following point; absolutely no shit should be thrown during dessert. This is a tradition that dates back to the time of William of Orange, when the Catholic populace expressed their silent hopes of rebellion by throwing shit during a dessert in which the Orange fruit featured heavily.

After dessert in concluded, I would suggest a short recess during which guests can use the bowls of warm water provided by the host in conjunction with their napkins to remove the thickest of the shit from their hands. Finally we have the brandy and cigars. By this point, all ladies present will have adjourned to the lounge, leaving the gentlemen to scrape their colons clean of the last of their waste product. This should be smeared in the face of the gentleman to the left (in deference to George II) and upon concluding, the evenings shit throwing is complete.

In finishing, I would like to say that I hope that this guide will be of use for all those thinking of hosting a dinner party and thank you all for your gentle encouragement.