We're all going on a summer holiday

Looking back at this one, I struggle to remember the thread that linked these countries together in my mind. I can only assume that they were all in the news at the time for one reason or another.




Well, as the summer begins to draw near and thoughts turn to holiday destinations, I have found myself mentally crossing a few places of my holiday list over the last few weeks. Whether this says something about the places themselves, or about the fact that I actually would have liked to visit them in the first place is open to some debate...

There are five countries that have fallen from grace in my eyes in recent months. Through the choice of their leaders or just through circumstance they are rapidly turning into places that are so appalling that even CNN may drag itself away from reporting on the domestic issues of the US to spare a word or two about them. However, in the absence of the elegantly coiffured talking heads that are the mainstays of CNN, you'll have to make do with me. So let me take you on a brief tour of places around the world that really should be avoided for the foreseeable future...

Iraq:

Reasons you may have wanted to visit:

Iraq is the location of the oldest city in the world, Ur (which must have been an embarrassing place to live as everybody will have assumed you were thick when you told them where you lived), and one can also find extensive ruins of the Babylonian civilisation there. If you're a sad and slightly nerdy history buff like I am, this will be paradise to you. Failing that, you can always kid yourself that the ruins are infested with ancient demons a la the opening scene from The Exorcist. Whatever takes your fancy really.
Iraq's capital, Baghdad, is also the site of the funniest piece of graffiti that I have ever seen in my life;
"Ariel Sharon is the only world leader with two girl's names and he's a fat fuck with tits".
Not exactly subtle I agree, but the sentiment made me chuckle.

Reasons to stay the hell away:

Jesus, where do you start? Okay, if we ignore the fact that the US and UK have a real hankering to turn it into a smouldering heap so that they can have a value-for-money war for the folks back home, we still have a million and one reasons to avoid it. Not least of which is the horrendous mortality rate amongst the Iraqi people thanks to the draconian sanctions (which once were justified; now even pro-Blair UK politicians are admitting that they are not having the least effect on Saddam or his rule). In truth, I do think that Saddam Hussein is a dangerous man and should certainly be stopped from producing weapons of mass destruction (his attempted genocide of the Kurds and Marsh Arabs rather effectively demonstrates this) and he most certainly shouldn't be running a country. It's just that riding roughshod over the objections of Iraq's neighbours and causing possible uproar in those countries is a stupendously arrogant, selfish, and thoughtless thing to do on the part of the UK and US.

But lest we forget, Iraq has some home grown terrors of it's own. Not least of which are the Iraqi Secret Police, who will treat you to a guided tour of certain underground complexes and give you a unique opportunity to mingle with Iraqi dissidents. You'll stay as their guest for anything between a few hours (if they're in a hurry to 'attend' to another guest) to 10 years and counting (the first US pilot to be shot down in the Gulf War may well still be alive and in Iraqi captivity; I'll leave you to ponder that image and perhaps the content of his days over the last decade).

It's a shitty place thanks to it's leadership. It's been made shittier still thanks to it's leadership and some well meaning but rather ineffective sanctions. And it will be the overactive anus of the world should Dubya get his wish and get the opportunity to finish off his daddy's business there.


Israel:

Reasons you may think it is a good place to go:

Because it's mere existence is sometimes enough to make you think that perhaps the entire human race aren't a bunch of self serving wankers with no interest beyond their next meal. In a magnificent show of collective guilt (and a certain amount of reluctance on the part of the UK) the state of Israel was created as a homeland for the Jews after WWII. They have since endured the hatred and warmongering of their Arab and Palestinian neighbours, fought some brilliantly executed wars against those who would have threatened their existence, and given Jews the opportunity for a national identity rather than being the stateless and occasionally reviled scattered people that they were. Make no mistake, the creation of Israel was and is a good thing.

Reasons why going would be extraordinarily bad:

Well, the graffiti in Iraq pretty much covers it. The hatemongering fat war criminal that currently runs the country seems to have read up about Hitler’s attempted extermination of the Jews and has liked what he read so much that he thought he'd give it a go with the Palestinians. Anyone who has read about the life of Jews in Germany in the 30's will find it impossible not to see the parallels between shoddy treatment of Jews and shoddy treatment of Palestinians. Yes, Israel has undoubtedly suffered because of the actions of terrorist groups that are funded by Moslem states. Does that mean it's okay for Palestinians to go through a reign of terror that is basically funded by western states? And does anybody seriously think that the current wave of violence will cause Yasser Arafat to simply go "Oh, ok then. We'll give up our claim to land and just go away. The breathtaking aggression of Mr. Sharon has undoubtedly caused me to accept that Israel is 100% in the right".

I only wish that the west would withdraw funding for Israel's military and the Middle East would withdraw funding for the various groups of headbangers (which is probably an inappropriate term bearing in mind all the suicide bombers; by the way kids, suicide bombers are on an Arsehole-Level equal to Ariel Sharon and his bully boys. I have great sympathy for the Palestinian cause and their desperation. I have none for people who allow themselves to throw away their lives to further the cause of one or two fanatics who care not one bit about their people, only about their precious 'cause').

Japan:

Reasons you might think "Ooh, that looks nice"

The culture of Japan is ancient and mysterious, and the people are friendly and polite. Plus the World Cup is being held there this summer.

Reasons you might think "Prince Phillip had a point"*

* Yes, I know he made the slitty-eyed crack about the Chinese; does anyone doubt he would have said the same thing in Japan? No? Good.

The World Cup is being held there this summer. Can anyone make any rough guesses about what will happen when European football thugs meet polite Japanese society? Let's just hope the army of hooligans try and pick a fight with some tattooed gentlemen who are missing their pinkie finger...

Zimbabwe:

Reasons to make Harare your holiday destination:

Can I get back to you on this one?

Reason's to put Siberia higher up the holiday list than Zimbabwe:

Well, other than the campaign of intimidation, violence, and terror that Bob Mugabe is inflicting on anybody who was unpatriotic enough to...well, vote for the opposition at the last (rigged) election...or who is subversive enough to be a journalist working for a newspaper that doesn't parrot the governmental bullshit...or who is treacherous enough to be white...other than that then I suppose maybe it would be an okay place to go. Oh, and you'd have to cope with the fact that it's economy is collapsing and taking southern Africa down with it as well. You'd possibly be a bit upset at the fact that this 'socialist' president is busy snatching huge tracts of land from white farmers and then re-distributing it exclusively to his cronies, thus ensuring that the unfair ownership of land by a few whites is replaced by the unfair ownership of land by a few blacks. But hey, we're all members of the international community so chances are you'd deal with it in the same manner that the rest of the world has; by making a few shocked exclamations about how awful it is before completely forgetting about it.

UK (bear with me on this one):

Reasons to come to this Fair Isle:

Well, cannabis may be getting decriminalised sooner rather than later. And the Queen's jubilee means that we get an extra day to party this year (and I'm hoping for maybe more as so far this year the Queen's sister has died and the Queen's mother has died; here's to bad things happening in three's...). And of course I'm quite insanely in love with this country for some reason, so I constantly encourage people to explore it's length and breadth. Preferably stopping at pubs on the way.

Reason's to cross the channel and sneer at us in French:

It's sort of shit being in the UK at the moment; we have a leadership comprising of one man and some other people who occasionally say "Yes Tony". We've got underfunded public services that make the Central African Republic think "Hey, at least our trains aren't as bad as theirs". And we have a population who couldn't give the faintest beginnings of a shit that things are getting worse, because they can't be can they? After all, we're always being told that things are getting better. I wish to God that people would pull their heads out of their backsides and pay a bit of attention to the bunch of bastards enriching themselves and feeding their own egos at our expense. And perhaps even raise a polite voice of complaint that they're shafting us. But as long as we get fed a constant diet of Pop Idol, lager, and tabloids that tell us today is like yesterday, then why bother?

I hope that my little holiday guide has helped steer you in the right direction as you browse through whatever brochures catch your eye. Me? I'm off to Glastonbury followed by some time in Amsterdam where I intend to make the most of the available opportunities for rest and relaxation. Cheers!