Tories are shit

But my predictions about their future were worse




I thought that today I would spend some time picking at my very favourite scab; the Conservative Party. I've been looking back at some of the...well, let's be honest here, diatribes that I have written concerning the old whore of a political party. In my predictions for the leadership battle I seem to have been somewhat awry (not that that will stop me from further examination of the subject...), though I would argue that I have more than made up for that by the use of a number of sustained assaults on my esteemed lookalike and former leader of the Tories, Little Billy.

Some have asked me why I don't follow my own advice about dealing with things that annoy and infuriate; simply ignore it. Well, I find that I can't (and also find a creeping empathy with those who feel it their civic duty to watch TV programs that they know will annoy them in order to write a stern "Dear BBC, I was shocked and appalled...." letter. Maybe somewhere there is a formerly left wing and now radical Conservative writing endless right-wing missives to be circulated around his/her friends as the Ying to my Yang...). I think the reason for this is my sneaking fondness for the target of my first tentative political allegiance. The reason for that would be that I, as you have no doubt gathered, am strongly in favour in personal freedom and the exercise of free will. The Conservative Party was founded on that same spirit before the advent of Thatcherism twisted that philosophy into "Personal Success no matter what the cost to others". It is certainly a better philosophy than the control freak attitude that New Labour exhibits with alarming regularity.

But what of all things Conservative now? What is the state of play for those who seek to dethrone the usurper Blair and replace him with...well, they're not actually sure yet but more of that later. In any case, what is going on? Perhaps the first Tory related item to look at would be the weekend arrest of Neil and Christine Hamilton. If you're not aware of the illustrious history of these two fine upstanding members of the community, Neil is a former Tory MP for the constituency of Tutbury and Hatton. He is also a corrupt liar, cheat, and swindler. I can say this free from any fears of libel because this was found to be the case in the High Court when Neil unsuccessfully sued Mohammed Al Fayed for libel. Mr. Al Fayed had basically called Neil a corrupt liar etc. because Mr. Al Fayed had paid Neil to ask questions in the House of Commons in his capacity as MP on his behalf. Anyway, despite a fervent prayer that both sides lose the libel case (Mr. Al Fayed is, perhaps, the single worst thing that the ancient culture of Egypt has ever produced. A nastier, bigger bully has yet to be seen in the business world and I continue to hope that he keeps getting denied the British Passport and Citizenship that he so desperately craves), the law is such that one man had to win and that man was Mr. Al Fayed.

So then; the Hamiltons are now bankrupt due to the cost of their failed libel action. Quite how someone can be bankrupt and still own a flat in London, a house in Cheshire, and generally live the life of Riley is a matter for another time, but bankrupt and disgraced they are. In truth I had expected to hear little more about them (although I secretly hoped that Christine Hamilton would once more publicly exhibit the battleaxe bitchiness that seems to be her stock in trade) but, as in all things Conservative, I was proved wrong on Friday. The Hamiltons were arrested and quizzed by police about an "extremely serious" sexual assault on a woman. Both were alleged to have taken part in this crime. It would seem that their besmirched reputation was to be the recipient of an even greater storm than before.

However, I can't help but feel a pang of sympathy for the demonic duo. For starters, the alleged victim had contacted the publicist Max Clifford (whose name seems to be fast becoming a byword for sleaze amongst the rich and famous) before contacting the police. Now maybe my finger isn't on the pulse of the psyche of someone who has just been gang raped, but doesn't that strike anyone as a little peculiar? Secondly, the Hamiltons were in fact giving a dinner party on the night of the alleged attack (one wonders what kind of food gets served at a dinner party hosted by people whose debts are rather greater than the collective poverty of every single person that I have ever met...) which sort of provides an alibi (Or maybe not..."Okay, Neil and I are just popping out for an hour or so. Please do help yourselves to pudding. What? You want to know where we're going? Erm...well, we thought we'd nip out and...what? What do you mean why is Neil carrying that 2 foot dildo?! It's a pointer if you must know! We're actually nipping out to give a quick lecture and Neil always uses that pointer at the Lecture Hall!").

Of course they are now busy eroding whatever public sympathy they might have felt entitled to by a display of directionless anger and threats to sue absolutely everybody including the people who read about the crime of which they are accused. Still, presumably it gives them something to distract their attentions from the obvious destitution that they have to endure...

My next target isn't actually a member of the Conservative Party any more. Nor is he a free man. He may be stripped of his title of a Lord of the Realm. With any luck, he may soon lose his anal virginity to large tattooed gentleman in the showers. Who else could I be referring to but Jeffrey Archer.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that he wasn't given disgraced former minister Jonathan Aitkin's old prison suite. I was even happier to see that he has been classified as a category C prisoner (prison categories run from A as the most dangerous to D as the most harmless) thus ensuring he cannot go to an open prison and must instead serve his sentence with criminals as opposed to former company chairmen and old cabinet colleagues. It looks like he may suffer more as the police are starting numerous inquiries into his (alleged) theft of money from just about every organisation and charity that he's been involved with since the 60's.

There is not much more to say about Jeff, or indeed about the Hamiltons, except that so long as Conservatives such as these continue to dominate the headlines, then there is no chance of Conservatives such as Kenneth Clarke or Iain Duncan-Smith dominating politics. They serve to remind us of just why we got rid of the horribly corrupt, venal, self-serving shits in the first place. Actually, in that respect they're providing a public service...

Which leads me rather nicely to a brief word about the Tory leadership battle. Of the original 3 candidates I had thought would contest the leadership (Portillo, Clarke, and Widdecombe) only 1 has made it into the final ballot, and it is not the one I thought it would be. Despite the fact that Portillo was the only man with the necessary charisma and ability to lead the Tories with anything remotely resembling skill and acumen, the spiteful and vindictive side of the Conservative party triumphed over that which has a modicum of common sense. So we have Kenneth Clarke (AKA. Man most likely to die or a heart attack in Parliament. Just look at him for God’s sake!) and the somewhat anonymous Iain Duncan-Smith (AKA. Darth Tory, the Dark Lord of the Sith) competing for the Tory Leadership.

Again, there's not much to say here. If Darth Tory wins then he'll almost certainly continue to bring little Billy's vision of a completely unelectable party to fruition, and we can definitely look forward to another Labour government as well as (hopefully) a LibDem led opposition. Should Clarke win then he shall doubtless have his preordained heart attack and die a la John Smith of the Labour Party, thus leaving the way clear for a more dynamic and youthful candidate to take the helm. Someone rather like Portillo in fact. Remember that you heard it here first.